fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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