I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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