i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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