Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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