"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
