FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You're a waste of cheezeits
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
