she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
