i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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