i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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