He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am one with the molecules
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
