Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
