Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
