I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize