Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
