I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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