I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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