2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
home. puking in laundry basket.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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