First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
