i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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