I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
