you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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