i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
