I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
