Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
