Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize