What did we do last night that was yellow?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
