My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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