I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
