I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
