3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
