The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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