Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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