There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
