I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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