i wish my penis had a tongue
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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