My first STD was from a foam party
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
His nipple licking is glorious
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