Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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