Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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