dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
