I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Acid is not a monday night drug
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
