when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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