i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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