I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
