I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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