No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just pynch a tree in the face
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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