Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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