I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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