Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
