hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
