Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
