On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
