So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize