I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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