: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
