i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
