she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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