My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
