The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
They are going to name an STD after you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
