I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
