I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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