Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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