I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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