Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
40s are totally the cure
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
